


A Mid-Aisle Summer Night's Dream

by mrsdaphnefielding



Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Alternate Universe - Warehouse 13, Blank Verse, F/F, Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-15
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-29 11:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsdaphnefielding/pseuds/mrsdaphnefielding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a regular day at the Warehouse, until Mrs. Frederic and Kosan have to go on a trip while the Lord of Artifacts and his Doctor Queen are in the middle of a feud. Puckster Claudia is caught up in it, but then four youths in Athens garb stumble onto the scene...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I

****

 

**A Mid-Aisle Summer Night’s Dream,**

starring:

Claudia as PUCK

Artie as OBERON

Vanessa as TITANIA

Mrs. Frederic as THESEUS

Adwin Kosan as HIPPOLYTA

PETE as DEMETRIUS

STEVE as LYSANDER

MYKA as HELENA

HELENA as HERMIA

 

* * *

ACT I

 

SCENE 1

 

CLAUDIA (moving through the aisles)

Through aisles, through shelves, through stuff, through items:

Sometimes a wiz I’ll be, sometimes a geek,

Tonight, a poor soul doomed to inventory,

As if I had no other plans…

 

                                                               ARTIE (yelling from out of sight)

                                                               You don’t!

 

CLAUDIA (huffing and kicking at a dust bunny to her feet)

The Lord of Artifacts is in foul mood

Since fair Vanessa’s birthday he forgot.

She cast him out. He calls her reign unfair,

And now I bear the brunt at every turn.

 

SCENE 2

 

MRS. FREDERIC (appears on the balcony with Kosan)

Now, fair Hippolytus-

                                              

                                               KOSAN

                                               My name’s Kosan.

 

MRS FREDERIC

That doesn’t match the rhyme. I call the shots,

and we must hurry. - Can we leave the aisles

in hands of Artie and young Claudia?

 

KOSAN (watching Claudia stuff an artifact back into place with more force than necessary)

We have no choice, although the impish puck

does worry me far more than the old grump...

 

MRS FREDERIC

Away we must. The warehouse will survive

Far worse, Hippolytus... (she moves towards the umbilicus)

 

                                               KOSAN (trailing after her, muttering under his breath)

                                               My name’s Kosan.

 

SCENE 3

Artie and Claudia in the aisles, sorting through artifacts

 

CLAUDIA

Pray tell, Lord Grump, will we now mope all weekend?

Or will we try to win Vanessa back?

 

ARTIE

That’s still the ‘Lord of the Artifacts’ to you.

 

CLAUDIA

The Lord of Artifacts, who’s rather single...

 

ARTIE

...who’d rather be quite deaf right now, and who

Will not discuss these matters with a puck.

 

CLAUDIA

Your loss. Just saying. You are out of luck...

 

ARTIE

And you. The shelves await!

 

                                               CLAUDIA (mutters)

                                               When do they not?

(after sorting through a few artifacts without enthusiasm, she turns to Artie again)

You know, there is this flower...

 

                                                                              ARTIE (ignoring her)

                                                                              I can’t hear you!

 

CLAUDIA

...a few drops of its liquid –

 

                                               ARTIE (covering his ears)

                                               Lalala!

 

CLAUDIA

...and she would love you back.

 

                                               ARTIE (taking his hands off his ears and giving Claudia a long, long look)

                                               What is the catch?

 

 CLAUDIA (looking at her own feet)

She’d fall at first sight for the first in sight.

(Artie begins to walk off, she follows him)

But that’s no problem, since that would be you,

And you could then approach her and could grovel,

And could apologize –

 

                                               ARTIE

                                               Me? Grovel? Why?

 

CLAUDIA

It was her birthday!

 

                               ARTIE

                               But the Warehouse...

 

                                                                   CLAUDIA

                                                                 Nonsense!

She waited, dressed up to the nines, for you,

And you had me call her to cancel. Ouch.

 So, artifact emergency or not:

The actual emergency is you.

 

ARTIE

Did I ask for your input?

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               No, of course not.

When would you ever? But you know I’m right.

 

ARTIE (doubtful)

A flower artifact? This will get messy.

 

CLAUDIA (puffing out her chest)

Trust Puckster Claudia! When have I ever

Let things get out of hand? – Don’t answer that.

Now call for medical assistance. Then

Meet me outside. Our plan’s as good as done!

 

 

SCENE 4

South Dakota at dusk, in front of the Warehouse. Claudia alone, twirling the magic flower between her fingers.

 

CLAUDIA

...as good as done. (she looks at the artifact) Thanks to your trusty petals.

They can be trusted, right? We haven’t had

The best of luck with flower artifacts...

Oh, pestilence! But my Lord Grump deserves

another chance with fair Vanessa, for---

Wait.  – Voices! Who got lost out here so late?

 

 

SCENE 5

Enter Steve and Myka.

 

STEVE

We need to rest. The car broke down. It’s dark!

 

MYKA (keeps walking on briskly)

I won’t be stopped by circumstances now.

Come on!

 

STEVE

You mean this circumstance called ‘night’?

We have fled far away from Colorado,

And from your father’s reach. We need to rest.

 

MYKA

You promised you would help me to find Pete –

 

STEVE

I will, but in the morning. Come, sit down.

 

CLAUDIA (to herself)

Now who’s that Pete, I wonder, whom they chase.

 

MYKA

How can I rest when he is on the run!

 

STEVE

We talk about your father here, his plans

To give away your hand in marriage,

To anyone who’d take over the bookstore?

Or are we talking about Pete? Again?

And how he left you, ‘cause of Helena?

 

MYKA

I don’t care about Helena.

 

                                               STEVE

                                               You’re lying.

                                              

CLAUDIA (mutters)

Now this is getting interesting.

 

                                                               MYKA

                                                               He dumped me!

And I don’t care for whom, fact is: he left.

He threw away our partnership, but I

Will find him, and intend to win him back.

(she suddenly sees the outline of the Warehouse)

Oh look, there is a building. I will knock

And ask them for directions.

 

                                               STEVE

                                               Looks deserted.

And run-down.

 

                               CLAUDIA (offended)

                               Run-down? Why, you...

 

                                                                              MYKA

                                                                              I will knock.

STEVE

And if they house experiments named Rocky?

In golden trunks?

 

                                               CLAUDIA (pondering)

                                               Would you be into that?

 

MYKA

Don’t be ridiculous, that’s just a movie.

 

CLAUDIA

That’s aisle three-eight-C-forty, actually.

At least the trunks... but –

               

                                               ARTIE (appearing next to Claudia)

                                               What is this? And who

Stirred up Dakotian youths to merriment?

 

CLAUDIA

No, they’re from Colorado. Or from London.

And they are lost. And he likes golden trunks.

 

ARTIE

I will regret this, but: what’s going on?                

 

CLAUDIA

That young man over there is sweet Stevander,

Who searches here for Peetrius with Myka,

Who has been dumped by Pete, for Helena.

 

ARTIE

I feel a heachache coming on already.

 

STEVE (breaking the fourth wall for a moment)

Hey just a moment, why does Myka get

To keep her name, and ours get frillied up?

 

CLAUDIA

That’s shipper’s privilege. On with the play!

 

MYKA

I knocked, but no one opens. Let us see

If there’s another entrance. Follow me.

(she walks off, Steve following behind).

 

CLAUDIA (to Artie)

I see you crane your neck. She’s still not here.

 

ARTIE

Someone is coming, quick, it must be her!

Where is the flower?

 

                               CLAUDIA (holding up the artifact)

                               Here!

 

SCENE 6

                                               PETE (wanders into sight)

                                               Oh man. I’m lost.

And sure there are no cookies in this forest.

 

CLAUDIA (to Artie)

Did you not make a new batch just this morning?

 

PETE

But love requires sacrifice. I think.

I just need to find Helena again.

Her accent and her beauty have bewitched me,

And she will fall for my charms in return.

 

ARTIE

So this is Peetrius, then?

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               And here is Myka.

Now if we had some popcorn...

 

                                                               ARTIE

                                                               Puckster! Quiet!

 

MYKA

Pete? Is that you? Thank God, at last I found you!

 

PETE

You are the only who’s thankful.

 

                                                               CLAUDIA

                                                               Ouch.

 

MYKA

But Pete... Remember, we had an agreement:

We’re partners, and you get to head the bookstore...

 

PETE

Because you father wouldn’t let you head it.

It’s you who wants the bookstore. All I like

About it are the comics, don’t you see?

 

MYKA

And what of our plans of getting married?

We make a good team.

 

                                                PETE

                                               Yes, we were a team,

And all we ever did was holding hands.

 

MYKA

What’s wrong with that? We actually could talk.

We helped each other out, we always did...

And yet you threw it all away in London,

For’a British accent and a pair of legs?

 

PETE (impatiently)

Well, have you seen those legs?

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               Oh, ouch.

 

                                                               ARTIE

                                                               Indeed.

 

MYKA

But Pete –

 

                PETE

                Leave me alone. Don’t follow me.

We’re over. It is Helena I want. (walks off)

 

MYKA (refusing to let the tears fall)

And what about what I want? And your promise?

What is my fault? Do I deserve this harshness?

You were the only one who didn’t mock me,

The only one who ever understood...

(she curls up on the ground, utterly distraught, and eventually falls asleep)

 

ARTIE

She’s crying.

 

                CLAUDIA (sniffles)

                So am I. – How ‘bout we help her?

 

ARTIE

And meddle with the mortals?

 

                                               CLAUDIA (batting her eyelashes at him)

                                               Pretty please?

 

ARTIE

All right. We will send Peetrius back to her.

When you bewitch my Queen, bewitch him, too,

Make sure the first one he will see is Myka.

Where is the flower?

 

                                               CLAUDIA (holding it up. Both she and Artie miss the fact that Steve returns in the dark and falls asleep next to Myka)

                                               Here in my trusty hand.

All done. You needn’t worry. Head inside.

 

ARTIE (he moves to leave)

I don’t know why I did agree to this...

 

CLAUDIA

Fear not, my Lord! Now quick, the magic flower…

And here we go –  

(with a ping, suddenly everything goes dark)

 oh, damn those power glitches.

We need a system update, stat. Now how

Do I find Peetrius without a light?

(she feels around in the dark)

A girl asleep. That has to be fair Myka.

And over here... (she continues to feel around in the dark) well, that’s a lot of gym.

A lot indeed. That must be Peetrius.

A few drops of this flower’s dew--- it’s done.

Well done! – Not that I’m one to praise myself,

It’s just another thing I do for him,

Since he tends to forget...

(a small cone of light flickers through the darkness)

                                               What’s this tonight?

Did someone put us in the Lonely Planet?!

 

SCENE 7

(enter Helena, holding a flashlight)

 

HELENA

Alone at last! My travels led me here.

How dark it is! I need to rest...

(with a flicker, the lights suddenly come back on)

 

                                                              STEVE (next to Myka, waking up and shielding his eyes as he blinks into the light)

                                                               What’s this?

(he catches sight of Helena)

If it’s a dream, please do not wake me up.

Whoe’er you are, my feet will follow you

Wherever you will go. I am in love.

 

HELENA (with a sigh)

Please, not another one.

 

                                               CLAUDIA (worried)

                                               Oh, no, no, no!

That was the wrong one. Now what do I do?

Lord Grump is gonna kill me!

 

STEVE (still staring at Helena)

Stop my heart...

I’ve never really looked at other women –

I’ve never looked at women, period.

Uhm, nevermind. - But I would look at you,

For every day until the day I die.

 

HELENA

Your eyes might tire.

 

                                               STEVE (fervently)

                                               Never!

 

                                                               CLAUDIA (with a groan)

                                                               I’m so dead.

 

STEVE

If you just let me prove my love to you...

 

HELENA

Good Sir, you do mistake me. You are sweet,

But I’m not interested in romance.

 

MYKA (sleepily, woken up by the ruckus)

What is it, Steve? Has Pete –

(she catches sight of Helena)

                                                      Not you again.          

 

STEVE

You know her? – Introduce us!                               

 

                                                               HELENA

                                                               Myka, I...

 

CLAUDIA

Now this is getting interesting. Much better

Than what the television has to offer.

 

MYKA (turning angrily towards Helena)

What, Helena, was Pete not quite enough?

It’s not enough you stole away my partner,

Now you return to haunt me, just to gloat?

 

HELENA (putting up her hands in defense)

I didn’t steal. He chose to follow me.

And don’t I wish he hadn’t...

 

                                               MYKA (testily)

                                               Sure you do.

That’s why you did invite him out alone,

The night after we met you at the book fair.

You asked us out for drinks and were all charms,

An expert in late-nineteenth century fiction...

And then the next night, he was gone with you.

 

HELENA (winces)

That’s not quite how it went, I only meant –

 

MYKA

Oh, keep it to yourself.

 

                               STEVE (stepping protectively in front of Helena)

                               You can’t insult her!

 

MYKA (stunned for a moment, then with a thunderous glare)

Et tu?!

              

                STEVE (to Myka)

                We had a deal, but no engagement.

I helped you to find Pete, now I found love.

And I won’t let you insult her –

                                              

                                               HELENA (clearing her throat)

                                               ...ehem.

I’m capable of speaking for myself,

Kind Sir.

 

                STEVE

                She called me kind!

 

                                                 MYKA (in a clipped tone)

                                                 I heard that.

 

                                                                      HELENA (toying with her locket)

                                                                      Uhm...

 

MYKA (now furious, to Steve)

What is it? Just her looks? That British accent?

If that is even real...

 

                               HELENA (protesting)

                               It is!

 

                                               MYKA (ignoring Helena and continuing to berate Steve)

                                               So what?

It’s still no reason to betray a promise,

To turn into a bumbling fool, for what?

A pair of legs and boyfriend-stealing credits?

 

HELENA (coolly)

You know that I can hear you, right?

 

                                                               MYKA (even coolly)

                                                               I know.

 

CLAUDIA (looking back and forth between them with growing fascination)

Oh that brunette is fierce...and that one’s sassy!

 

HELENA

My legs and I shall now take leave, my friends.

 

MYKA (heatedly)

I’m not your friend!

 

                                HELENA (with an amused glanced at Steve)

                                Well, possibly by proxy.

I’ll leave you two to sort out promises

And seek a place less tension-filled to sleep.

(she walks off)

 

STEVE (hurrying after her)

And I will watch your sleep, so no one bothers

Your rest, sweet Helena!

 

                                               MYKA (mockingly)

                                               “...sweet Helena...”

No, wait – Steve! You can’t leave me just like that!

(she hurries after him)

 

SCENE 8

 

CLAUDIA (surveying the empty scene with a giggle)

 A pair of legs, another, and another...

(the sound of a car approaching becomes audible)

But there is fair Vanessa.

(she swallows and nervously clutches the flower artifact)

                                               Oh, I hope

I won’t need medical attention soon.

Or e’er again. She’ll be so mad at me.

Well, Puckster, here it goes. ‘Twas your idea...

 

VANESSA

Good evening. Claudia. Are you alright?

I came as soon as I heard Artie's message.

Did my Lord Grump get himself into trouble?

Again?!

 

                CLAUDIA (hiding the flower behind her back, contritely)

                My Queen, you know him. All the while

So worri’d about the Warehouse...

 

                                                              VANESSA (with reserve)

                                                               Yes. The Warehouse.

 

CLAUDIA

..and putting last what he wants to put first.

Just hear him out.

(she thrusts out the flower and flings a few drops at Vanessa)

                               And later please don’t hate me...

 

(Vanessa blinks, her posture relaxes and she leans against her car.)

 

CLAUDIA (whipping out her Farnsworth)

My Lord? The work is done, your queen awaits.

(Artie ends the connection, Claudia stares forlornly at the black screen)

And spare a thought for faithful, helpful Puck,

Who’ll no doubt end up with a second nose

Or an additi’nal pair of ears next year,

When annual physicals are due again...

 

SCENE 9

 

ARTIE (hastening out of the Warehouse, smoothing out his shirt. It looks ironed, and it’s not the one he wore when he went inside)

My Queen!

 

                VANESSA (with a happy smile upon seeing him)

                My Lord!

 

                               CLAUDIA (wistfully)

                               There go my poor, cute ears...

 

HELENA (suddenly appearing on the scene again, looking behind her over her shoulder)

It’s not that I don’t relish a good chase,

But I don’t relish it from this perspective.

I need a place to hide...

(she barely manages  to hide behind Vanessa’s car when Pete stumbles out into the open)

 

                                               PETE

                                               I saw her first!

 

STEVE (behind Pete, a hand wrapped around his collar)

Yet you lost sight of her, and lost your chance.

My love is newer and burns brighter still,

Fair Helena is mine!

(neither of them sees Myka approach and witness the scene.

 

                                               PETE

                                               No, she is mine!

You went for Myka, keep her. I don’t mind.

 

STEVE

That was before I first saw Helena!

 

MYKA (devastated)

But Pete... - But Steve... - Have I now lost you both?

Do promises to me hold no more worth,

If they are broken quite so easily?

Is my face, is my heart that much less fair?

(she cries as the men continue to ignore her)

 

ARTIE (to Claudia, sternly)

What , Puckster!!!

 

                               CLAUDIA (innocently)

                               What, my Lord?

 

                                                               ARTIE (pointing at the melee)

                                                               What happened here?!

 

CLAUDIA (raising her hands)

In my defense: there was another blackout.

We really need that system upgrade, stat...

 

ARTIE (even more sternly)

What , Puck! I see sweet Myka there in tears,

Betrayed not just by one, but by two men?!

 

CLAUDIA (mutters)

Well, in the dark, they did feel quite alike.

 

ARTIE (raises a hand, causing the four lovers to fall asleep)

You messed things up, you set them right again!

Dry Myka’s tears, and save that other woman

From being chased by Peetrius and Stevander.

 

VANESSA (interrupting, and placing a hand above his)

And we, my Lord, should hurry off to dinner.

 

CLAUDIA (snarkily)

I heard there is one that’s long overdue.

 

ARTIE (giving Claudia a warning look)

There may just be stuffed Puckster as first course...!

(he walks off, hand in hand with Vanessa)

 

CLAUDIA (puffing out her chest, calling after him)

Stuffed Puckster? That’s the thanks for all my troubles?

(she looks at the flower in her hands again)

It’s up to us again, my dear, it seems.

(she surveys the scene, with Pete and Steve asleep still at each other’s throats, Myka curled up in a corner and Helena still hiding in her sleep, and takes centerstage)

I am that merry wand’rer of the night

And here to sweeten all  your lover’s plights…

(just as she raises the flower dramatically, another power outage casts darkness over everything again)

Oh, not again!

(she glares in the direction of the Warehouse)

                               Fine, Darling, be that way.

I’m quitting for tonight!  You sort it out.

(in frustration, she shakes flower juice all over the scene).

Sweet dreams to everyone! ‘Tis Puckster out.

 

 


	2. ACT II

ACT II

 

SCENE 1

(a brightly moon-lit night around the Warehouse)

 

STEVE (sitting up and rubbing his eyes)

Bright moon, why did you wake me from my dreams?

I dreamt of Helena --- (he catches sight of the sleeping Myka) I dreamt… but why?

Why dream , if I can wake to such a sight?

 

PETE (likewise sitting up and rubbing his eyes)

Ow. Empty stomach, now you woke me up!

I dreamt of cookies. Fresh out of the oven…

(he catches sight of the sleeping Myka)

But then there’s things almost as sweet as cookies.

And Myka always shared her stock with me,

As long as I stayed clear of all the twizzlers…

 

MYKA (waking and slowly sitting up)

Oh moon, why wake me up again so soon?

To find me in your light now twice abandoned

And shine upon my lost and broken dreams?

 

STEVE (fiercely)

I shall restore them all.

 

                                               PETE (with a wince)                                      

                                               Aw, Mykes, don’t cry…

 

MYKA (startled)

What, Steve?... And Pete?... Why do stare at me?

 

STEVE (fervently)

Whom else would I be staring at?

 

                                                               PETE (sheepishly)

                                                               You mind?

Cause if you do, I’d call it – hm, perusing?

 

MYKA (glaring at Pete)

Oh, smooth.

 

                               PETE (buffing his nails on his shirtfront)

                               I know.

 

                                               MYKA

                                               And I know where you learned that.

A certain Englishwoman, not a doubt.

 

PETE (even more sheepishly)

Well, I…you know -                                       

 

                                MYKA

                                No. Guys, what are you up to?

 

STEVE

To make you happy, nothing else.

 

                                                               PETE     

                                                               He’s right.

 

STEVE (pointing at Pete)

And he’s the one who dumped you…

 

                                                                              PETE (interrupting him)

                                                                              Dumped you _first_.

I’m back! (he glares at Steve) We go back longer than you two.

 

STEVE (smugly)

Whereas I wasn’t gone that long at all,

So I should stand the better chance in this.

 

MYKA (looking in between the two, utterly bewildered)

Have you both lost your minds? What is this game?

 

PETE

I want you back.

 

                               STEVE

                               I want you, too.

 

                                                               PETE (after a beat)

                                                               I’m not

Adverse to threesomes.

 

                                               MYKA (with an eyeroll)

                                               Stop it, both of you!

Is this some cruel joke of Helena’s?

To mock me with the people I have lost?

 

HELENA (stepping onto the scene with cool aplomb)

I heard my name, but I am not to blame.

And neither can you blame these two – their taste

Is beyond doubt -

 

                              PETE (to Myka, while he points at Helena)

                              See? Listen to that woman.

 

MYKA (fuming)

Of all the women…

 

                                 HELENA (interrupting Myka with a hand)

                                 Don’t. (she steps closer to Myka with a smirk) You might regret it.

(she turns away from a startled Myka, facing Pete and Steve)

Now, gents, I beg your pardon. Sort it out,

But not in front of this fair lady.

 

                                                               MYKA (startled)

                                                               What?!

 

PETE (petulantly, to Helena)

But that is the whole point! For her to watch,

And check me out. You see these muscles? (he gestures down his chest)

 

                                                                              STEVE (rolling his eyes)

                                                                              Please.

 

PETE

That, or Plan B: to laugh if I should fumble.

I always knew to make you laugh – right, Mykes?

 

STEVE

You also knew quite well to make her cry.

 

HELENA

He has a point.

 

                               PETE (mutters)

                               Still better than a spoilsport.

                               (he raises his fists)

Now, ready to get to it?

 

                                               STEVE (narrowing his eyes)

                                               Bring it on.

 

MYKA (stepping in between them)

For God’s sake, stop it!

 

                                               STEVE (pausing and glancing at Myka)

                                               Choose between us, then.

 

HELENA

There might be other options than those two…

 

MYKA (shaking her head)

Since none of you will leave me, I will go,

To save me from your mockery and games.

(she wipes at her eyes, running off into the woods. Pete and Steve pause, then hurry after her. Helena, with a sigh, follows them)

 

 

SCENE 2

(Claudia, alone, walking out of the Warehouse with a heavy tool bag over her shoulder)

 

CLAUDIA

Oh, marvelous. Lord Grump dines with his Queen,

Two suitors should be trailing after Myka –

And what’s the nighttime program for the Puckster?

Go fix that short, go crawling in the dark…

Kick at some pebbles for some wild excitement!

(she kicks at the dusty ground and drops the heavy toolbag)

When I said that we need a system update,

I didn’t ask to do it on my own,

Much less tonight! (she looks up at the moon) Just you and me now, huh?

(steps and voices are coming closer)

Just you and me and half of Univille…

 

 

SCENE 3

(Claudia, hiding in the shadow of the Warehouse, overlooks as Myka runs onto the scene, followed by Pete and Steve, who are still yelling at each other. Helena emerges on the scene a few seconds later at a measured pace.)

 

PETE

I’m funnier!

 

                               STEVE

                               I’m prettier!

 

 

                                                               PETE (ripping his shirt of)

                                                               I’m shirtless!

(he smirks at Steve, who seems stupefied for a moment)

No charge.

 

                STEVE (scoffs)

                Oh, please – I don’t resort to that.

               

MYKA

Just let me be!

 

                               CLAUDIA (gleefully)

                               And let me get some popcorn.

 

PETE (to Myka)

Remember how I read _Jane Eyre_ for you?

 

STEVE

He’s lying.

 

                PETE

                Well, at least I read the Cliff Notes.

But if you’d like to settle this old-fashioned…

 

HELENA (leaning against the nearest rock, arms crossed over her chest)

Sure, brawl it out like brutish gladiators.

She’ll find you more attractive with a shiner

And lacking teeth ---

 

                               PETE (interrupting her)

                               Hey! Don’t diss gladiators!

 

STEVE (agreeing immediately)

He’s right. That’s one great movie.

 

                                                               PETE (turning to Steve with a pleased grin)

                                                               Yeah, it is.

Like Spartacus!

 

                           STEVE

                           The movie or the series?

 

PETE

The series. But I also like the classics –

 

STEVE

I have that Steve Reeves box set –

 

                                                        PETE

                                                        I l _ove_ Sinbad!

 

HELENA (to Myka)

I read _Jane Eyre_. – How about a walk?

It seems these two don’t need us at the moment.

 

(a distraught Myka gladly lets Helena lead her away, unnoticed by Pete and Steve.

As they walk away, Myka in front, Helena’s gaze slides down Myka’s body – a move that doesn’t go unnoticed by Claudia)

 

CLAUDIA (her voice louder than intended)

Hey, wait a sec! What was that?! Prithee, tell?!

 

STEVE

Wait, did you hear that?

 

                                               PETE

                                               Wait, where did she go?

 

STEVE

Let’s look for her, that she may make her choice.

 

PETE

And once she chose me, let’s all get together

And do a gladiator marathon.

 

(they leave in the opposite direction. Before Claudia can make another snarky remark, Myka and Helena return, both carefully looking around)

 

HELENA

It seems they’re gone. Voilà – alone at last!

 

MYKA (with reserve)

For that, I thank you.

(when Helena doesn’t leave, she gives her a pointed look)

                                               Now, if you don’t mind…

 

HELENA

Why always this hostility, dear Myka?

I asked for neither of those bumbling fools.

 

MYKA (hotly)

They aren’t fools. At least they weren’t, ‘till you.

 

HELENA

I didn’t ask them to trail after me.

 

MYKA

You didn’t stop them, either.

 

                                               HELENA

                                               That, I couldn’t.

You can’t keep someone from their heart’s desire,

Not in the long run.

 

                               MYKA

                               Easy words for you.

 

HELENA

Yet words are never easy, never simple.

 

MYKA

I wish that I could disagree with you.

 

HELENA

You don’t strike me as someone who likes ‘simple’.

 

MYKA

I’m someone who would simply like to strike you.

 

(a small pause ensues, and Helena dips her head in acknowledgement)

 

MYKA (with a humorless chuckle)

And yet, I don’t. You know, when we first met –

 

HELENA (sounding wistful)

That conference in London. Bright pink blouse,

Two sugar in your coffee… I remember.

 

MYKA

Before you stole away my trusted partner.

 

HELENA

I didn’t steal him, he trailed after me.

 

MYKA (bitterly)

The outcome is the same, now isn’t it?

 

HELENA

Well, Pete and Steve are not the only options…

 

MYKA (still somewhat bitterly)

I know. I’ll be returning to my books.

 

HELENA

That’s not what I -

 

                               MYKA

                               Not what?

 

                                               HELENA

                                               Oh, nevermind.

 

MYKA (after a small, awkward pause, with a side glance at Helena)

You know what’s sad? I actually liked you.

Before you left with Pete.

 

                                               HELENA (quick to correct her)

                                               He left with me.

(only then Myka’s last phrase registers)

You liked me?

 

                       MYKA (with a shrug, a little embarrassed)

                       You are versed in first editions,

And nineteenth-cent’ry British literature…

 

CLAUDIA (observing from the shadows)

So that’s what they are calling it these days?

 

MYKA (mutters to herself)

And way too charming over scones and tea,

So charming it took Pete away from me.

 

HELENA (with a smile)

Not merely nineteenth century. I also

Enjoy contemporary (she moves closer to Myka, entering her personal space)… and science fiction…

 

MYKA (flustered)

Science fiction, yes. I mean – I better leave…

(she hurries away)

 

HELENA (looking after her, wistful)

You’re right, I flirted over tea and scones,

But Pete was not the one I tried to charm…

(she walks off in the opposite direction)

 

CLAUDIA (stepping from the shadows)

Now that’s a twist I didn’t quite see coming.

I like it! - Only Artie won’t agree…

(she feels for the flower in her pocket)

I swear, no further use of artifacts

In insufficient lightning! I’m so dead.

First Steve, then Pete, and now it’s Helena…

If Dr. Calder doesn’t rip my ears off,

Lord Grump will surely do the deed for her

And damn me to eternal inventory.

There goes the Puckster’s former pranking glory…

 

 

SCENE 4

(Claudia, retreating into the shadows when Myka reappears, followed by Steve and Pete)

 

CLAUDIA

And now those two again… it’s getting old.

(she perks up as Helena returns, as well)

Though perhaps not that old. Let’s see what happens.

 

PETE (to Myka)

You can’t deny our hist’ry!

 

                                               STEVE (to Myka)

                                               Make a new one!

With me. – He’s got more than _one_ history.

 

PETE (protesting)

There’s nothing wrong with cookies on the side!

 

STEVE

And what about your ex-wife in the army?

 

PETE

The one who left me for a starship captain?

I don’t think she would mind. - Myka’s the one!

 

STEVE (crossing his arms over his chest, defiantly)

To me, she is the only woman. _Ever_.

 

MYKA

Just stop it with the teasing! (she motions at Helena) Did she send you?

 

HELENA (with a scoff)

The only way I’d send them is away.

 

MYKA

From me?

 

                HELENA

                From both of us. To woo you better.

 

MYKA (once more close to tears)

_Et tu?_

 

                STEVE (glaring at Helena)

                Now wait a minute!

 

                                               PETE (scowling at Helena)

                                               That’s not fair.

 

HELENA

Well, someone has to up the game around here,

And Myka hasn’t choosen one of you.

 

STEVE

Not yet.

 

                PETE

                And I’m still open to a threesome.

 

MYKA (crying)

This isn’t you, Pete. We were always friends,

You never played the boist’rous Latin Lover –

 

HELENA (interjecting)

I do know Latin. And I know –

                                              

                                                PETE

                                               Oh, cut it.

 

MYKA

And Steve – our deal was not even romantic!

The plan was that you help me to find Pete!

 

STEVE (undeterred, producing I a bouquet of flowers)

I brought you flowers!

 

                                               PETE (producing a bouquet of red, stringy objects)

                                               Twizzlers!

 

                                                               HELENA (holding up an original copy of “War of the Worlds”)

                                                               First edition.

                                              

STEVE

I’d cook for you.

 

                          PETE (perking up, momentarily distracted from Myka)

                          I’d eat!

 

                                        HELENA

                                        You’d be my main course.

 

STEVE

I’d listen…

                               PETE

                               Make you laugh...

 

                                                               HELENA

                                                               I’d make you shiver.

 

CLAUDIA

The gentle guy, the jester, the seductress…?

I am with Pete: just choose an epic foursome!

 

MYKA (crying)

Why do you do this? Why this cruel teasing?

Why take my friends, and also mock my heart?

Did you invent this, Helena? What for?

What did I ever do to you to cause this?

 

CLAUDIA (aside)

Oh, darn. We only meant to stop your tears!

But truth be sad, it’s hard to make you happy:

You lose two lovers and you’re devastated,

You gain three suitors and you still cry more…

 

 

SCENE 5

(Artie emerges from the Warehouse and appears behind Claudia)

 

ARTIE

What, Myka still in tears?! (giving Claudia a dark look) What did you do?

 

CLAUDIA (whining)

Why do you always suspect _me_ , my Lord?

 

ARTIE

Because you tend to be at fault, my Puck.

 

CLAUDIA (huffing)

Some benefit of doubt would go a long way.

 

ARTIE

So why the tears? Did you not bewitch Pete?

 

CLAUDIA

(trying to block sight of the four lovers from Artie’s view with her significantly smaller frame)

I did my Lord. Those must be tears of joy.

\--- And shouldn’t you be inside having dinner

And making eyes at one specific doctor?

(she waggles her eyebrows)

 

ARTIE

I was… I should… – And it’s none of your bus’ness!

 

CLAUDIA

And has that ever stopped me?

 

                                                               ARTIE (muttering)

                                                               Don’t I wish.

So why is Myka still in tears, good Puck?

 

CLAUDIA

You changed the topic.

 

                                               ARTIE (he tries to look past Claudia at the others, Claudia jumps up and own to prevent the move while Steve, Pete and Helena continue to assault Myka with declarations of affection)

                                               Did the flower work?

 

CLAUDIA

Yes, perfectly. (muttering) A little too well, even.

 

STEVE (shouting in the background)

She’s mine!

 

                     PETE (likewise shouting in the background)

                     She’s mine!

 

                                              CLAUDIA (trying to block the sight before Helena says something else)

                                               See? Everything is fine,

And everyone is running after Myka.

(muttering) and I mean _everyone_ … (to Artie) Go back inside,

Enjoy your dinner.

 

                               ARTIE

                               I…

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               I’ll handle this.

Not that there’s anything to handle. Nope.

(she tries to push Artie towards the door)

 

ARTIE (hesitating)

Perhaps I should...

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               Nope. Myka-Pete. I got it.

                              

ARTIE (doubtfully)

Well, if you say so…

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               Yes, yes. Do not keep

The Doctor waiting once again…

 

                                               ARTIE (suddenly nervous)

                                               Vanessa!

                                              

(He hurries back inside)

 

 

SCENE 6

(Claudia looks around to find Myka alone - almost. Pete and Steve have once more chased each other away, while Helena lingers at the edge of the scene)

 

MYKA (after a long pause, without turning around)

Why won’t you leave? There’s nothing else to gain.

You took both Pete and Steve and had them mock me.

You saw me fight for both of then, in vain,

And joined the fun when that was not enough.

I’m out of things that you could steal away,

Unless you want to take my books now, too?

 

HELENA

I’d never touch a lady’s books unasked.

At least not without consent, anyway.

(she takes a step closer)

Of all my lovers many have been men,

But I did ask for neither Pete nor Steve.

 

MYKA (protesting)

You did! – You didn’t? – Wait, _of all your lovers_ …?

 

CLAUDIA

Someone’s about to have a revelation.

 

MYKA

You mean you…?

 

                               CLAUDIA (impatiently)

                               Does she have to spell it out?!

 

MYKA (nervously)

Leave me a rest of dignity and leave,

I pray you.

 

                 HELENA

                 Prayers are what I should say

To linger in your presence. (she takes another step closer)

 

                                               MYKA (speechless)

                                               What… I… how?

 

HELENA

If Pete and Steve can vie for your affection,

Why can’t I do the same?

 

                                               MYKA (still hesitant)

                                               But… you’re a woman.

 

HELENA

I’m glad you noticed.

 

                                               MYKA

                                               But you can’t be wooing…

 

HELENA (walking closer)

I beg to differ.

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               So do I!

 

                                               MYKA

                                               What is this?

 

HELENA

Me, trying that you hear me out, at last.

You think I wanted Pete to fall for me,

In London over drinks? (a dumfounded Myka nods) Then think again!

It wasn’t him.

 

                       MYKA (voice uncharacteristically high and nervous)

                       You can’t be serious?

 

HELENA (smiling softly)

Oh, Myka. Change the rules. Imagine greater!

 

MYKA (tentatively)

Was that an actual Brontë first edition?

 

(before Helena can reply, they are interrupted)

 

PETE (calling from out of sight)

Hey, Myka! I would share my favourite cookies!

 

STEVE (calling from out of sight)

Hey Myka, I would give you _all_ the cookies!

 

CLAUDIA (with a sigh, tearing her eyes away from the sight of Myka and Helena eying each other hesitantly)

And just as things were getting interesting…

You talk Brontë, I’ll take the cookie monsters.

(moving in Steve’s direction and imitating Pete’s voice)

Hey, Steve! Too bad it’s only Steve, not Reeves!

 

STEVE (out of sight, stumbling after the voice)

At least it’s Steve, and I can give your Reeves!

 

CLAUDIA

(moving in Pete’s direction and imitating Steve’s voice)

You know, I never liked the Sinbad movie.

 

PETE (out of sight, stumbling after the voice)

Come out and take that back!

 

                                                  CLAUDIA (still with Steve’s voice, luring them both further away from the scene)

                                                  Ha, try and make me!

 

(Claudia disappears, leading away Steve and Pete)

 

SCENE 7

(Myka and Helena alone, still standing at a hesitant distance from one another)

 

MYKA

Where were we?

 

                            HELENA                              

                            We were talking about books.

 

MYKA

You do that well.

 

                               HELENA (trying to move closer)

                               I do?

                                               MYKA

                                               Stay over there!

 

HELENA

Alright. - But could we talk, to pass the time,

Of literature some more?

 

                                               MYKA (warily)

                                               I guess we could.

 

HELENA

Let’s talk about the books that you are guarding,

The ones that you hold dear. The lucky ones

Whose spines will fast surrender to your fingers,

Whose pages bend under your ardent gaze.

Let’s talk about the subtle creak of leather,

Both worn with age and warmed against your palms,

And soft from all the times your fingertips

Caressed the embossed letters of its title…

 

MYKA (with a croak, wide-eyed)

That’s not – This isn’t talking about books…

 

HELENA

It’s not? Perhaps it is the books who talk,

You books that I do envy for your presence.

Perhaps the words themselves arch off their pages,

Their lines more venturous underneath your gaze?

 

MYKA

I…

 

                HELENA

                How I wish I was a book to you,

That you could read me and would see my soul.

Smooth paper underneath your fingertips

That follow words I didn’t dare to speak.

The gentle tremble of a page mid-turn,

The languid rustle as it settles down,

By slender fingers pinned in place once more,

And marked and breathless by the fleeting brush

Of finely-threaded, silken ribbon marker

That states I caught your eye, that you’ll return.

 

MYKA (unsteadily)

You’ve given quite a lot of thought to reading.

 

HELENA (walking closer)

I also gave some thought to being read.

 

MYKA (standing her ground as Helena advanced)

You are a writer more than just a reader.

 

HELENA  
And we are being written as we speak.

This is our story.

 

                               MYKA

                               And what does it say?

                               

HELENA

It isn’t what is said, but how it’s written.

You choose the content, but I’d write it out.

 

MYKA

You’d write for me?

 

                               HELENA

                               For you, how I would write!      

My words would be like lips upon your skin

And drink your sighs and bask in your attention,

And pray you held me close enough to feel

Your breath against the curved, entangled letters

That spell out what you wouldn’t let me say.

 

MYKA (a little out of breath)

Please stop. (she looks at Helena’s hands) I’ve always wondered how you’d write.

Of how a pen would fit into your fingers,

How smooth your grasp, how firm. How bold your letters…

(she is unable to tear her gaze away from Helena’s hands)

 

HELENA (moving well within Myka’s personal space now)

As bold as you would let me and as gentle,

And if you took a breath, the stars would move

Upon it and would realign themselves

Into a world of words.

 

                                               MYKA

                                               That’s how you write?

 

HELENA

I would write tomes for you. A library,

Where leather stood pressed close against soft leather,

Lined up on heavy shelves as you walk by,

And hoping to end up inside your grasp.

They’d sigh for you if you were leafing through them,

Their pages falling open to your gaze…

 

MYKA (with a croak)

My gaze?

 

                HELENA (in a whisper)

                And underneath your fingertips

They’d tell you everything.

 

                                           MYKA (her eyes locking with Helena’s)

                                           And I would read.

(the air between them is crackling, but then Myka moves back a little, with a teasing smile)

Though at this hour of night, there is no light.                                 

 

HELENA (out of breath and still lost in the moment)

If it’s too dark, I’ll speak the story, then.

 

MYKA (moving in again)

And if I stop your mouth?

 

                                               HELENA (fervently)  
                                               My hands will speak.

 

MYKA (close enough to kiss Helena)

We are still merely talking about books.

 

HELENA (after a beat)

We are. – And I’d be tracing every line,

Until the spine would warm against my palms.

Again, a gentle creak of softened leather,

Stretched tight around the corners of a tome…

 

MYKA (roughly)

You’ve talked enough. (she pulls Helena against her in a heated kiss) – Now let my hands be speaking

And spell our story out upon your skin.

(she throws herself into the embrace, resulting in the two of them ending up on the ground in a tangle of limbs, oblivious to anything else.)

 

 

SCENE 8

 

CLAUDIA (sauntering back onto the scene, dawn already coloring the silhouette of the Warehouse, flanked on the right my Pete and on the left by Steve, neither of whom is very steady on their feet)

Now, gentlemen, the night has been a pleasure.

 

STEVE (huffing)

For you, since you won everytime.

 

                                                               CLAUDIA (with a shrug)

                                                               That’s luck.

PETE

Please spare our pride and tell us you were cheating.

 

CLAUDIA (with an air of superiority)

I could have, but that doesn’t mean that I did.

 

PETE

You busted us on Halo, Grand Theft Auto…

 

STEVE

On Doom, and even in that round of PacMan!

 

CLAUDIA (wiggling her fingers)

What can I say, I simply got more game…

 

STEVE (with a groan)

We should have never challenged her.

 

                                                                              PETE

                                                                              Agreed.

Though what kind of a gamer name is “Puck”?

 

CLAUDIA

It rhymes with luck. And see how that worked out?

 

STEVE

Who knew that Univille had such a nightlife.

 

CLAUDIA (catching sight of Myka and Helena asleep, curled around each other and clearly in a state of undress)

Wait till you check the periphery, Shirley.

(muttering) Hot damn! (she buffs her nails on her vest) I’d also win big at Matchmaker.

(she jumps up and down, trying to distract Steve and Pete who are headed for the Warehouse)

Hey, how about those boulders over there

To catch some sleep?

                                   

                                     STEVE

                                    On rocks?

 

                                                    PETE (with a whine)

                                                    When there’s a house?

You said that’s yours!

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               Well, yeah, I lost my key.

(she has to jump again as Steve almost trips over Myka and finally simply grabs both men under her arm and leads them away)

Now sleep awhile and think it all a dream…

(she reaches into her pocket and blows a sparkling powder at Pete and Steve, who immediately sink to the ground, yawning, and fall asleep)

It’s been a pleasure, boys. Call anytime.

(she tiptoes over to where Myka and Helena are sleeping)

Although it seems the worthier opponents

May lie right here, since they have game aplenty,

If this it what it looks like.

(she observes as Myka, in her sleep, draws Helena closer against her, who resettles against her lover with a content sigh)

                                            Yes, it is! (she rubs her hands together with glee)

You take that, Cupid! Who’s the arrow queen?

(she does a little victory dance, only to be interrupted by the sound of the Warehouse door opening)

 

 

SCENE 9

 

ARTIE (stepping out into the early morning and catching sight of a dancing Claudia)

Did you step on a bed of ants? What is this?

 

CLAUDIA (stopping, and trying to make herself as tall as possible so that Artie will not discover Helena and Myka)

Good morning to you, too, my Lord!

 

                                                               ARTIE (suspiciously)

                                                               What happened?

 

CLAUDIA (trying to bounce unobtrusively on her tiptoes and batting her eyelashes)

Well, nothing. Not at all. What should have happened?!

 

ARTIE (glaring)

Just spit it out!

(he walks out into the open, dangerously close to where Myka and Helena are sleeping)

 

                               CLAUDIA (waving her hands in the air in attempt to distract Artie)

                               Just early morning sports.

Express Tai Chi.

 

                               ARTIE (stopping in his tracks, doubtfully)

                               Express Tai Chi?

 

                                                               CLAUDIA

                                                               That’s it!

(she resumes her jumping, waving her arms wildly)

Might help you, too, to chase away that frown.

And why that grumpy frown, after a date night?

A date, remember, that I risked my hide for?

 

ARTIE

None of your business. None whatsoever!

Your jumping is enough to cause nausea.

 

CLAUDIA

Why? Did Vanessa ban you to the couch?

Did you mess up once more, despite the flower?!

(intrigued, she pauses in her jumping)

 

ARTIE

Just like I said, that’s none ---

(he catches sight of Myka and Helena across Claudia’s head)

                                                     Whaaa… what is that?

What happened over there?

 

                                                 CLAUDIA (innocently scuffing a toe in the dust)

                                                 What’s what, my Lord?

 

ARTIE (covering his eyes)

That… Those… the women… (hollering) Puck, what did you do??!!

 

CLAUDIA (raising her hands in defense)

I didn’t take their cloth’s away. They did that

All on their own!

 

                               ARTIE (yelling)

                               Puck!!!

 

CLAUDIA

                                               Hey, no need for yelling.

And just you know, I did your bidding. See?

(she points at the spot where Steve and Pete are sleeping)

They both love Myka madly now.

 

                                                               ARTIE (distrustfully)

                                                               They’re sleeping.

 

CLAUDIA (looking at her nails, innocently)

I heard they got distracted in the Arcades…

But either way, the flower worked.

 

                                                          ARTIE (sternly)

                                                          What’s this, then?

 

CLAUDIA

In my defense, you asked to make them love her,

Not that she has to love them in return.

And you said nothing about Helena!

If she is Myka’s choice, it’s not my fault.

 

ARTIE

Did you play ‘flower power’ with them all?

At whom did you direct that artifact?!

 

CLAUDIA

Well, it was dark, and then the power outage…

 

ARTIE

Did I not send you out to patch that up?!

 

CLAUDIA (nodding, but still trying to protest)

On such a measly budget… (faced with Artie’s stern look, she gives up.) Oh, all right.

(regretfully, she points at Myka and Helena)

But look, how sweet those lovebirds look together!

 

ARTIE (dryly)

I’ve seen enough for one day. Thanks a lot.

(he points at Claudia)

Reverse the spell on everyone involved!

We meddled and we shouldn’t have. Now fix this!

(turning on his heel and heading back to the Warehouse)

 

CLAUDIA

I will. (under her breath) Lord Spoilsport.                                                          

                                                                             

                                                                              ARTIE (pausing)

                                                                              Just you know, I heard that.

(He gives a wave as he enters theWarehouse, without turning around)

Your future’s bright with inventory, Puck.

 

CLAUDIA (with a groan)

Oh great, just what I need, more inventory!

(she takes a pair of purple gloves and a can of neutralizer spray out of her pocket and wanders over to Pete and Steve)

I’d still beat both of you at Grand Theft Auto,

E’en without lovesick hormones in your veins.

(she sprays the neutralizer onto their eyelids)

And you…

(she walks over to Helena and Myka)

                I really liked you two together.

(with a sigh, she sprays some neutralizer on their eyelids, as well)                        

A shame Lord Spoilsport doesn’t think the same.

(she addresses all four of them with a final wave)

So when you wake, be on your merry way,

With nothing but the mem’ry of a dream…

(she retreats into the Warehouse)

 

 


	3. ACT III

ACT III

 

SCENE 1

(morning, in front of the Warehouse. Claudia alone, looking at the four lovers, who are still asleep)

 

ARTIE (stepping out of the Warehouse)

What, up so early?

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               I could ask the same thing.

 

ARTIE             

I need you to reverse the spell.

 

                                                               CLAUDIA (pointing at the sleeping lovers)

                                                               I did!

 

ARTIE

I meant Vanessa.

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               Oh?

 

                                               ARTIE

                                               It isn’t right.

I can’t apologize when she… (he stops himself) Reverse it.

 

CLAUDIA (with growing unease)

And then the first thing she will see is me,

And she will kill me.

                              

                               ARTIE

                               This was your idea.

 

CLAUDIA

Yes, but it was _your_ job to win her over.

               

 

SCENE 2

 

VANESSA (stepping out into the morning)

I woke to find you gone, my Lord. What happened?

 

ARTIE (visibly embarrassed in front of a smirking Claudia)

I didn’t mean to wake you.

 

                                               VANESSA

                                               Did that couch

Wreck havoc on your back? Well, I _did_ warn you.

 

ARTIE

No, it’s alright.

 

                               VANESSA (with a wink)

                               The bed’s more comfortable.

A little big all on one’s own, though.

 

                                                               CLAUDIA

                                                               Stop.

My salary’s too meager for the couns’ling

That I would need if you went into detail.

 

ARTIE

You and me both.

 

                               CLAUDIA

                               I’m glad that we agree.

 

ARTIE (quietly, to Claudia)

I did apologize to her, ten times.

And all she did was smile and say ‘alright’.

 

CLAUDIA (tentatively)

That’s nice?

 

                               ARTIE

                               It is? – It isn’t! It’s not right.

She should be making cutting, smart remarks

and treat me like the idiot that I am.

 

CLAUDIA

Well, I ---

 

                 ARTIE (stalling her)

                No need for comments on your part.

Vanessa will be quite enough to face.

Now, get the neutralizer.

 

                                               CLAUDIA

                                               As you wish.

And I all I meant to say was: I commend you

For choosing the excruciating path.

(mutters, while slipping on a pair of purple gloves)

And that’s not even talking physicals…

 

(Claudia sprays a placidly smiling Vanessa with neutralizer, but nothing happens.)

 

ARTIE (nervously)

There was no sparkle – quickly, try again.

 

CLAUDIA

What if it doesn’t work?

 

                                               ARTIE

                                               It has to work!

I cannot interfere with her decisions.

I want _her_ back. I want her to berate me.

 

CLAUDIA

Oh dear. Here’s to more therapy.

                                                              

                                                               VANESSA (with a smile)

                                                               Relax, Puck.

I’ve been immune to flower artifacts

Since nineteen-sixty-nine. A side effect

Of one wild Warehouse party – Hugo, vodka,

And spin-the-bottle in aisle fourteen ---

 

                                                                    CLAUDIA (with a grimace)

                                                                    Please.

My therapy – (she interrupts herself) Wait, what, you weren’t dozied?

 

VANESSA (dryly)

Would it be more convenient to hear

‘I dreamed I was enamoured of an ass’?

 

CLAUDIA (defensive of Artie)

The sweetest ‘ass’ there is, at least.

 

                                                               ARTIE (who has followed this exchange, stunned)

                                                               Oh dear.

 

VANESSA

Yes. Sweet. And so afraid of his own girlfriend

That he looked to an artifact for help?

 

CLAUDIA

In his defense: you wouldn’t talk to him.

 

VANESSA

And he should have respected that. (with a pointed look at Claudia) You, too.

I would have heard him out eventually.

I work here, too, you know. We tend to meet.

 

CLAUDIA (contritely)

I’m sorry.

               

                ARTIE (even more contritely)

                Not as much as I am sorry.

I understand if you will sever ties -

 

VANESSA (baffled)

What, sever ties? It was an argument,

No break-up. We’re too old for such high drama.

And you were desperate enough to use

An artifact, just to apologize.

It is inane, but also rather sweet.

(suppressing a smile)

And I got dinner, and your full attention

For an entire evening. No pings.

So if, next time, – and there will be a next time,

I know this place, and I know you and me –

You wait and give me space and trust in me,

I will consider your apology.

 

ARTIE

You will? It was your birthday, I’m so sorry -

 

VANESSA (wryly, waving him off)

I know. I heard it - what, ten times? – last night.

Keep our next dinner free of artifacts,

That’s all I ask. (fondly) I _do_ love you, you fool.

(Artie blushes furiously while Claudia beams)

Besides, a night on your old springy couch

Is punishment enough for what you did.

 

CLAUDIA

And to make up for all his other deeds

He spent his last two salaries –

 

                                                               ARTIE (surprised)

                                                               I did?

 

CLAUDIA (stomping on his foot)

You did.

 

                ARTIE

                Ouch! (trying tu suppress a wince) Yes, I did.

 

                                                                                          CLAUDIA (handing Vanessa an airline envelope with two tickets)

                                                                                           A small vacation.

Two weeks, no pings, just you – the two of you,

and things of which I do not want the details.

He had me make arrangements when he missed

Your birthday.

 

                               VANESSA (surprised)

                               A late gift? Why, thank you, Artie.

 

ARTIE (equally surprised, but happy)

The least that I could do. (under his breath, to Claudia) _Two_ salaries?

 

CLAUDIA (whispering back)

Still cheap for skipping out on birthday dinner.

Besides, you could sure use a tan. So, thank me!

(she pushes Artie towards Vanessa. Artie, after a moment’s hesitation, holds out his hand. Vanessa takes it. Claudia, in an aside whisper)

You see that, Cupid? - I’m a frigging rock star!

(before either of them can add anything else, Myka begins to stir. Artie, Vanessa and Claudia quickly retreat into the shadows of the Warehouse)

 

 

SCENE 3

 

MYKA (still in Helena’s arms, blinking her eyes open)

The light of day…

 

                                               HELENA (holding onto her, sleepily)

                                               …it was the nightingale.

 

MYKA (sitting up with a start)

It’s daylight! Bright! (she looks at Helena with growing panic) And you…me… We…

 

                                                                                                                                           HELENA (stretching languidly)

                                                                                                                                           Indeed.

 

MYKA (after a pause, hesitantly)

I dreamt I fell in love.

 

                                                               HELENA

                                                               I had the same dream.

 

MYKA (moving away a bit, carefully)

We were under some influence, I guess?

It’s all a haze… There’s parts I don’t remember,

But I remember --- (blushing furiously)

 

                                   HELENA (with a pointed nod)

                                   I recall that, too.

(touching a hand to her brow)

I realize it feels like we were drugged…

A haze --

 

                MYKA (hastily)

                Well, good we’re sober once again.

 

HELENA (disappointed)

Yes, I’m glad, too.

               

                               MYKA (tying to disguise her hurt)

                               You are?

 

                                               HELENA (with uncertainty)

                                               I --- Should I be?

 

MYKA (with a shy glance)

So it was just a dream?

 

                                               HELENA  
                                               If that’s your wish.

If you want it to have been just a dream,

Then that is what it is. And I’ll be happy

That I could share that dream. I don’t regret it,

And wish I could remember everything

So that I would feel no regret at all

For everything I cannot recall, either.

(she pauses, looking at Myka)

But if you’d like to dream some more with me,

I’d hope we’d dream the same thing every night ,                                        

And spend the day remembering. Together.

 

ARTIE (sternly, to Claudia)

Did I not tell you to reverse the spell?

 

CLAUDIA (protesting)

I did, my Lord. (with a wide smile) But despite that it seems

These two have found each other in the end.

 

VANESSA  
They must have been in love before already.

 

MYKA

You really wish for me ---

 

                                               HELENA

                                               I have. Since London.

I’ve wished for you on many stars at night

And always hoped…

 

                                               MYKA (moving closer)

                                               I never dared to think –

Not even by myself… Is this a dream?

 

HELENA (with a soft smile)

I’m perfectly awake. And I’m with you.

 

MYKA

And Pete and Steve?

 

                                      HELENA (with a look over her shoulder)                                     

                                      Still sleeping, over there.

 

MYKA

That is not what I meant. What about them?

 

HELENA

Yes, what indeed – It was not my idea.

They followed me, and I…

 

                                               MYKA (understanding dawning)

                                               You followed me.

 

HELENA (with a nod, leaning in)

I did. – But let’s not talk about those two.

Let’s argue about literature instead…

 

MYKA (murmuring close to Helena’s lips)

Oh yes, ‘bout literature… (she draws Helena in for a kiss) Oh, Helena…

(her hands slide around Helena’s neck as Helena deepens their kiss)

 

 

SCENE 4

 

PETE (waking, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes)

I dreamed a redhead busted me at Halo.

 

STEVE (equally waking, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, in bewilderment)

I dreamed I was in love with a brunette.

 

PETE (nudging Steve and pointing over at Helena and Myka)

It seems like that brunette's not into blondes.

(both of them look on as Myka kisses Helena.)

Or guys. (he calls over to the women) Wow, Myka, she is quite the catch!

How did you do it?

                              

                               MYKA (with a shrug)

                               Literature.

                                                               PETE (with a resigned sigh)

                                                               It figures.

(he lightens up)

Now, are we friends again? Yes? All of us?

 

MYKA (laughing)

Of course we are! But our deal is off –

I do not need you to take on the bookstore,

I think I found someone to open one

All on my own.

 

                               HELENA (softly)

                               I like that plan. (a quick kiss) My darling.

 

PETE (eying Myka and Helena for a long moment, then turning to Steve)

So how about those gladiator movies?

 

STEVE (with a smile)

The box set is still there. Let’s start with _Sinbad_.

 

 

SCENE 5

 

(Mrs. Frederic and Mr. Kosan appear out of nowhere)

 

MRS. FREDERIC

Why, Arthur, what is this? – Hippolytus!

 

KOSAN (with a sigh)

It’s still Kosan.

 

                               STEVE

                               Where did they come from?

 

                                                                              PETE (with a shudder)

                                                                              Creepy!

 

MRS. FREDERIC

I’m barely gone a day and now find this:

A Steve Reeves fan convention on our front lawn,

The ‘father’ of science fiction half undressed

And seduced by the bookstore owner’s daughter?

And all this with the Warehouse in plain sight?!

 

ARTIE

I can explain –

 

                               MRS. FREDERIC (with a withering glare over the rim of her glasses)

                               Oh, really?

 

                                                               ARTIE (after a beat)

                                                               …no, I can’t.

 

CLAUDIA (stepping up)

It was an accident in inventory,

An artifact –

 

MRS FREDERIC

                               Again?!

 

                                                               CLAUDIA (protesting meekly)

                                                               We’re understaffed!

 

MRS. FREDERIC

Oh, is that so?

 

                               VANESSA (coming to Artie’s and Claudia’s aid)

                               Yes, Arthur had to cancel

My birthday dinner due to urgent pings

And lack of colleagues.

 

MRS. FREDERIC (with an acknowledging nod)

                                               That’s unfortunate.

(she eyes the four lovers before her)

Well, since you’re here already, let us see…

Would you be interested – all of you –

In a new job that entails _Endless Wonder_?

 

KOSAN (with unease)

But -

 

         MRS. FREDERIC

         Clearly Arthur and our impish Puck

Could use some extra agents on their service.

 

ARTIE (trying to protest)

That’s not –

 

                               KOSAN (to Mrs. Frederic, with a nod)

                               If you get Jane to clear the budget…

 

ARTIE

Oh, great. Just what I need: frolicking lovers

Who will wreck havoc in aisle three-fifteen,

Another prankster and a lie detector…

 

MYKA (skeptically)

So, _Endless Wonder_ …?

 

                                               HELENA (with a look at Myka)

                                               We already found that.

 

PETE (to Steve)

Does that mean we could get revenge at Halo?

 

CLAUDIA (with a gleeful smile)

You’re on!

 

                               PETE (grinning)

                               Prepare to lose!

 

                                                               ARTIE (with a groan)

                                                               Help! My poor Warehouse!

 

KOSAN (to Artie, impassively)

I’m sure you’ll whip them quickly into shape.                  

And Agent Nielsen?

 

                               ARTIE (warily)

                               Yes?

 

                                               KOSAN (gesturing at the Warehouse)

                                               Please do the honors.

 

CLAUDIA

Oh, can I give the tour? Please, can I? Please?!

 

MRS. FREDERIC (to Artie)

With four new agents you are clearly free

To delegate.

 

                      ARTIE (perking up)

                      I am? (he nods at Claudia) Then go ahead.

 

CLAUDIA (rubbing her hands)

Well then… be welcome to Warehouse Thirteen!

(she motions for Helena, Myka, Pete and Steve to follow her)

Be mindful of the F.I.S.H. and follow me!

There’s cookies, too.

 

                                               PETE

                                               Did you say cookies? Great!

 

(The four future agents trail into the Warehouse, following Claudia. Myka and Helena are still holding hands, as are Artie and Vanessa, who follow at a measured pace.)

 

KOSAN (to Mrs. Frederic)

No epilogue, I pray you.

 

                                               MRS. FREDERIC

                                               There’s no time.

There’s Regents waiting . – To the Batmobile!

 

KOSAN (as Mrs. Frederic is already disapparating the two of them)

I thought that remained stored in aisle four-twelve?

 

(Quiet in front of the Warehouse . – After a few minutes, Claudia slips out of the door once more.)

 

CLAUDIA (with a bow)

If we agents have offended,

Blame the mushrooms, don’t blame us.

If some dreams left you upended

And you thought you smelled some fudge:

Think it nothing but a dream.

Things are not what they may seem.

– Now we agents must take flight,

Snag, bag, tag and bid good night.

 

 

                                                         ****THE END****

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, that wasn't the plan.  
> I still apologize to the Bard - also: Happy 450th Birthday, WIll. :-)

**Author's Note:**

> My apologies to the bard.
> 
> (a note for the Shakespeare nerds: I know I took some liberties regarding the strict blank verse and often used endecasilabo instead, but at least it's still pentameters, so I didn't cheat that much. There are, thoughout this story, two tetrameter sections, both for Puck, which corresponds with Shakespeare. Finally, I know I skipped the rhyming - sorry, my talent (and patience) doesn't extend that far.)


End file.
